Flying your LGBTQIA+ flags.

It’s about time I put myself out there and shouted that yes, I AM happy to create your ceremony no matter who you are. I always have been, and have had many happy days creating ceremonies for same-gender couples. (All women as it happens, I’ve no idea why.) Basically “Love is love” is our LGBTQIA+ policy. But for reasons I’ll explain, it’s taken until now to give myself permission to publicise this fully.

I haven’t felt the need to write about my support of the LGBTQIA+ community. I hadn’t, until now, placed rainbow flags on my website. I’ve always lived in very rural places (West Wales now France) as a celebrant. There’s been no opportunity to attend “alternative” wedding fairs or have a wide circle of gay friends to vouch for my allyship (is that a word?). I’ve had gay friends of course, but this was simply part of everyday life. No big deal.

Something’s changed.

But something that’s happened within my family has (slowly) made me realise how privileged I am as a cis white hetero woman. I haven’t had to think too hard about what it means to have a “safe space”. Let alone what it means to actually provide one. (I need to note here, in fact it isn’t always easy to be “safe” as a woman, but that’s another topic).

But even I, in my “ivory tower” in Southern France have realised that the time has come to identify as an outspoken ally. What has helped me realise this?

Introducing Alex

My older child Alex is non-binary.

The world is sometimes not an easy place for them to live in.

Last Summer, Alex took a step forward with surgery and the use of testosterone in hormone replacement therapy. (They’ve permitted me to share this information). Since this time (and before then) I’ve had to make changes in the way I talk about my youngsters. When asked, I say I have two children. Until recently this would be tagged with “one of each”. Now gender can stay irrelevant. Which, I now realise, it is but it’s a social norm to ask and/or tell! And people do ask. And that leads to a conversation about the meaning of the word “non-binary” or in French “non-binaire”.

LGBTQIA+ quandary

When talking about my children, I do my best to make the topic what absolute stars they are (of course!) It would be easy to simply refer to Alex in their previous gender. Why would I do that? To not have to explain yet again what “non-binary” means, and have the pleasure of simply describing what a strong, clever, beautiful person they are! Alex is unlikely to ever meet the person I’m talking to, what harm could it do? But, being true to Alex is being true to myself, so yes, I do use “iel” in French and of course “they /them” in English.

Explaining the pronouns!

My French isn’t bad, but I still need years more practice! However, I surprise myself with my ability to explain the use of the “iel” pronoun. But explaining “non-binaire” goes beyond the use of pronouns.  I find myself suggesting that even if we can’t empathise with the need to make such drastic changes to our bodies (lucky us) it’s not affecting us, so it’s for us to simply accept those who do feel the need.

And that applies to everyone in the LGBTQIA+ rainbow. Accept, support, be an ally.

For a guide to gender identity terms, take a look here

For the use of pronouns in French, Lawless French has it covered!

LGBTQIA+ Weddings and funerals

My “acceptance” has never been a question. I’ve conducted weddings for all-girl couples. In fact, I got on so well with one couple that they invited me to stay on for the after-wedding barn-dance! I sat at a table of their gay friends (they all met through a dance retreat). One of the guys told me that, despite the fact he’d recently attended a great many weddings in London none was as touching, engaging and personal as mine! (If you scroll down you can find Lise and Harriet’s own comments in my testimonials!)

I remember a funeral for a gay man in Llanelli which was a flamboyant affair with brightly coloured flowers and plentiful rainbow references.

 

What does it mean to “Support” the LGBTQIA+ Community?

So why haven’t I promoted that I’ll work with everyone, no matter where they are on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum until now? The main way of showing support would be to place flags or badges on my website/social media pages. This seems to be the accepted norm in my wedding community. But I felt queasy doing this since it felt like virtue signalling. Like saying I support a charity without ever actually doing anything for them. Somehow, I didn’t feel I’d earned the support of this community, so why should I have the right to fly their flag?

I now see that “support” IS speaking out. It’s showing visibly that not only am I happy to create ceremonies for everyone, I am also in a position to actively show my support of everyone.

On a personal level, I will continue to explain to one person at a time why we need to accept. How we can change our language to do so.

On a bigger stage, I will not stand by whilst individuals and governments legislate against whole rafts of our society. I will call out the keyboard warriors who mean harm to our society.

I will fly your flags. I hope you’ll allow me to share them as your ally.