We need to show our support

It’s about time I put myself out there and shouted that yes, I AM happy to create your ceremony no matter who you are. I always have been, and have had many happy days creating ceremonies for same-gender couples. (All women as it happens, I’ve no idea why.) Basically “Love is love” is our LGBTQIA+ policy. But for reasons I’ll explain, it’s taken until now to give myself permission to publicise this fully.

I haven’t felt the need to write about my support of the LGBTQIA+ community. I hadn’t, until now, placed rainbow flags on my website. I’ve always lived in very rural places (West Wales now France) as a celebrant. There’s been no opportunity to attend “alternative” wedding fairs or have a wide circle of gay friends to vouch for my allyship (is that a word?). I’ve had gay friends of course, but this was simply part of everyday life. No big deal.

Something’s changed.

But something that’s happened within my family has (slowly) made me realise how privileged I am as a cis white hetero woman. I haven’t had to think too hard about what it means to have a “safe space”. Let alone what it means to actually provide one. (I need to note here, in fact it isn’t always easy to be “safe” as a woman, but that’s another topic).

But even I, in my “ivory tower” in Southern France have realised that the time has come to identify as an outspoken ally. What has helped me realise this?

Introducing Alex

My older child Alex is non-binary.

Alex 2025

The world is sometimes not an easy place for them to live in.

Last Summer, Alex took a step forward with surgery and the use of testosterone in hormone replacement therapy. (They’ve permitted me to share this information). Since this time (and before then) I’ve had to make changes in the way I talk about my youngsters. When asked, I say I have two children. Until recently this would be tagged with “one of each”. Now gender can stay irrelevant. Which, I now realise, it is but it’s a social norm to ask and/or tell! And people do ask. And that leads to a conversation about the meaning of the word “non-binary” or in French “non-binaire”.

LGBTQIA+ quandary

When talking about my children, I do my best to make the topic what absolute stars they are (of course!) It would be easy to simply refer to Alex in their previous gender. Why would I do that? To not have to explain yet again what “non-binary” means, and have the pleasure of simply describing what a strong, clever, beautiful person they are! Alex is unlikely to ever meet the person I’m talking to, what harm could it do? But, being true to Alex is being true to myself, so yes, I do use “iel” in French and of course “they /them” in English.

Explaining the pronouns!

One person at a time, to explain the use of they/them/iel/iels

My French isn’t bad, but I still need years more practice! However, I surprise myself with my ability to explain the use of the “iel” pronoun. But explaining “non-binaire” goes beyond the use of pronouns.  I find myself suggesting that even if we can’t empathise with the need to make such drastic changes to our bodies (lucky us) it’s not affecting us, so it’s for us to simply accept those who do feel the need.

And that applies to everyone in the LGBTQIA+ rainbow. Accept, support, be an ally.

For a guide to gender identity terms, take a look here

For the use of pronouns in French, Lawless French has it covered!

LGBTQIA+ Weddings and funerals

My “acceptance” has never been a question. I’ve conducted weddings for all-girl couples. In fact, I got on so well with one couple that they invited me to stay on for the after-wedding barn-dance! I sat at a table of their gay friends (they all met through a dance retreat). One of the guys told me that, despite the fact he’d recently attended a great many weddings in London none was as touching, engaging and personal as mine! (If you scroll down you can find Lise and Harriet’s own comments in my testimonials!)

Lise and Harriet’s relaxed wedding day

I remember a funeral for a gay man in Llanelli which was a flamboyant affair with brightly coloured flowers and plentiful rainbow references.

What does it mean to “Support” the LGBTQIA+ Community?

The Transgender flag

So why haven’t I promoted that I’ll work with everyone, no matter where they are on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum until now? The main way of showing support would be to place flags or badges on my website/social media pages. This seems to be the accepted norm in my wedding community. But I felt queasy doing this since it felt like virtue signalling. Like saying I support a charity without ever actually doing anything for them. Somehow, I didn’t feel I’d earned the support of this community, so why should I have the right to fly their flag?

I now see that “support” IS speaking out. It’s showing visibly that not only am I happy to create ceremonies for everyone, I am also in a position to actively show my support of everyone.

The Progress flag

On a personal level, I will continue to explain to one person at a time why we need to accept. How we can change our language to do so.

On a bigger stage, I will not stand by whilst individuals and governments legislate against whole rafts of our society. I will call out the keyboard warriors who mean harm to our society.

I will fly your flags. I hope you’ll allow me to share them as your ally.

The traditional Gay Pride flag

Ps … The good people at “Cyberghost” have asked me to share a link to their blog giving practical advice “for LGBTQ+ folks who’ve had to delete photos, change numbers, or vanish for their own safety”. Yes, there are other VPNs out there, but this article gives some good advice!

The post Flying the Flags, Our LGBTQIA+ Policy of “Love is Love” appeared first on Treasured Ceremonies.

 Valentine’s day: a gorgeously indulgent celebration to warm up those dreary Winter months. We all want to make the one we love feel special, but many of us want to look after the environment too. With that in mind, our Valentine’s traditions may need a little tweaking. So, here is my guide: A green Valentine’s Day: show love to your partner and the planet.

How about an indoor-eco-Valentine-fest-for-two?

A little history.

Valentine’s day is thought to have originated from the Roman festival of Lupercalia.  Lupercalia celebrated the coming of Spring and fertility, with women being paired off with men through a lottery system – yikes!

Thankfully, things have moved on a bit since then. Lupercalia was renamed St.Valentine’s Day at the end of the 5th century, and began being celebrated as a day of romance from around the 14th century.

What a waste

In recent years Valentine’s day has become synonymous with plastic wrapped teddy bears, generic flowers and boxes of chocolate. Often, these had little or no sentimental value, and the homogenised celebration was getting to feel tired and impersonal.

Because of this culture, Valentines day generates masses of unnecessary waste and items destined for landfill.

These days, people are looking to do their bit for the environment. The traditional colour of valentine’s day “stuff” is, of course, red. But let’s try and create a green Valentine’s Day!

An eco-friendly Valentines Day

This year, let’s make Valentine’s day thoughtful and personal, whilst showing the planet a little love, too.

Everyone loves flowers.

Did you know that 4 in 10 roses in the UK come from Kenya? Most of the flowers in supermarkets are shipped here from all over the world. They’re also covered in chemicals to keep them ‘fresh’ during their long transit.

A beautiful bouquet of UK grown dried flowers

Choose a greener, more personal bouquet this year, by using resources like Flowers From The Farm. Flowers From The Farm is a not-for-profit co-operative of British growers. It is designed to link you up with a British-grown florist near you. Simply pop in your postcode and find your nearest grower. Look at the amazing bouquet below, created by Sara at The Flower Meadow! Or, how about the one above which featured on Flowers From The Farm’s site?

My local grower, Sara from The Flower Meadow in Carmarthenshire put this bouquet together on 11 February!

Not only is this great for the environment, it also means you’ll get access to beautiful, unique flowers. You won’t find these in supermarkets or with online mega-stores.

Pack a picnic.

Okay, so we can’t guarantee you a sunny, or even a dry day. But, if you’re lucky enough to see blue sky on Valentine’s day, pack a picnic and head for the great outdoors. Ditch the plastic plates and wrap your own in tea towels for a real sense of occasion. Don’t forget your wellies!

Wrap up warm, you’ll be fine!

Ready, set, BAKE!

Sure, chocolates are nice, but we all know something a little more personal is better. Whether it’s coffee and walnut cake or gooey brownies, get baking your partners favourite treat. Present them on a pretty plate and enjoy with a cuppa, cosied up on the sofa. Reducing plastic waste and saving money – win-win.

Lovingly made, delicious muffins. Yum!

Renew your vows.

Looking to make a big, romantic gesture? What says ‘I love you’ better than saying “I love you”? Plan a vow renewal or celebration-of-love ceremony for the two of you.

Karen and Will release their doves at their vow renewal

Make a memory book.

We all have hundreds of photos on our phones and devices, but how often do we stop and look at them? Print a selection of your favourites and collate them in a book with notes. You could even do this together on the day. This is an opportunity to remember all the memories you’ve made together, and is something you can keep forever.

So there you have it, a few ideas for a more personal, eco-friendly -or “green” – Valentine’s Day!

Enjoy!

Helen x

If you’ve had the excitement of a proposal this engagement season, make your wedding an intimate and personal affair with a celebrant. You know where to find me (here!).

Be original. Keep it simple!

The post How can I make my Valentine’s Day Green? appeared first on Treasured Ceremonies.

I recently started looking through family photographs which my brother had digitised from slides. It struck me that as a child my year was punctuated with feast days and ceremonies, indeed, one’s life was punctuated by special days and ceremony. Looking at the pictures made me wonder whether it is my Roman Catholic heritage that has made me become a celebrant. I no longer follow any kind of religious faith, but is it in my bones to enhance a special occasion with a special ceremony? I hope I’m not being self-indulgent if I try to explain…..

We didn’t attend a grand church, ours was a tiny World War 2 pre-fabricated building which had been converted for use as a church. However, we still marked our faith in traditional ways such as the “May Procession” and “Corpus Christi Procession” – think of the images you see of whole towns turning out in South American or some Mediterranean countries to parade a sacred symbol or statue through the streets and reduce the parade to a fraction of the size, plus English reserve, and you’ll be about there! Our May procession was in our tiny church carpark and involved carrying a crown of flowers to be placed on the head of the statue of “Our Lady”.  This happened, unsurprisingly, in May, and Corpus Christie would follow in June or July I think. This would involve a procession carrying the “Blessed Sacrament” from the church along the quiet lane to my family’s garden where a short service would be held at the altar my Dad had put up. The picture is of a similar procession at my brothers’ school. Then there would be saints’ days at school (these wouldn’t have much ceremony attached, maybe an ice-cream or extra play time!) and of course Lent, Easter and Christmas so there was always something special to look forward to, and possibly even to practice for. (I had to be ordered down from playing in a tree one day when I’d forgotten about the May procession practice. Mine was the starring role of May Queen. Oops).

Even the weeks leading up to Christmas gave the opportunity for a small ceremony; each Sunday an advent candle would be lit on the wreath my Dad had made and the family would stand beneath to read a passage from the Bible and sing an advent hymn. I remember the excitement when the final candle was lit – it meant this was the last Sunday of Advent, Christmas next!

There were also personal red letter days such as christenings, first communion, confirmation and marriage. Such occasions were important family events and could be elaborate or very simple. I only remember one wedding in our tiny church; a local girl was pregnant and had decided to get married. In those days this was still something of a scandal and as she and her family regularly attended, it was decided to use our church. I think my Dad, as church warden (or at least, he oversaw all the nuts and bolts of the weekly masses said there), relished the whole event and I remember all the extra care that was taken to make the church as attractive as possible. The photo I’ve found of the wedding shows the pieces of carpet that someone dug out to allow the bride somewhere to stand without getting her dress dirty on the ash carpark or long grass. I seem to remember a very simple wedding breakfast after the event. This day was all about the church wedding and the fact of the couple getting married. The ceremony in the church would have been the “main event” rather than any big showy reception.

Once I’d had my own children, I had them christened and had a get-together after each event. My own faith was pretty shaky by then but I felt a need to do something. I had grown up with this heritage of marking special occasions with a celebration and what could be more special than having a baby? I could of course have simply had a party, but I wanted more than that. Had I known about baby naming ceremonies I’m sure I’d have chosen to celebrate my children’s arrival with them instead!

It still feels a little bit wrong for me to have the celebration without the ceremony. Is it right if I celebrate Christmas without attending church? What’s the point of going to an “evening do” of a wedding if I haven’t experienced the ceremony? I do celebrate Christmas without attending church – along with millions of others! Given the choice, I’d rather not attend wedding evening parties any more as it does feel as though I’ve been cheated of the whole point of the day.

So, where has this heritage left me? When I create a ceremony I want it to matter, to really count.

Whilst it’s understandable that the venue, menu, chair covers, flowers etc. are important aspects of the wedding, surely the focus of the wedding should be the ceremony? Many couples now don’t want to marry in church and they rely on these extras to make their wedding special. Given that the point of the day is exchanging vows, more focus on the actual ceremony could change the feel of the day into something altogether more memorable.

The ceremony created around that special moment when vows are exchanged will set the romantic, intimate tone for the day and be remembered beyond the colour scheme of the reception!

Similarly, a couple who want to celebrate their family can have a wonderful ceremony without having to use a church with which they have little or no relationship. I applaud not christening a child if the couple does not have the faith behind such a ceremony, but a baby naming gives the opportunity to share the start or growth of a young family with the community. Friends can be nominated as “Guide/God/Odd” parents for the child. These will become significant adults as the child grows, as well as the child having photos to look back on to let them know that this one day was arranged especially for them.

A funeral can be a cold affair if the celebrant has little or no knowledge of the departed. There may be a eulogy, but if the rest of the ceremony is a template from a prayer book which means little or nothing to the family involved it could leave them feeling empty. A ceremony written entirely around the wishes of the family is surely going to bring more comfort.

As I write this, I’m wondering whether my local communities will ever look to their “community celebrant” to create secular ceremonies, for example a harvest ceremony to give everyone the opportunity to stop and appreciate the gifts that the earth has borne them; I’m sure it already happens elsewhere, but for now I shall concentrate on creating the ceremonies requested by my wonderful clients to help them celebrate and commemorate their births, marriages and lives.

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